Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A rambling, flow of conciousness sort of night...that ends in a place I didn't expect.

Sometimes, I get really upset for no reason. No, it is not a "monthly thing" and no, it does not have to do with "crazy female hormones". It actually has to do with the fact that I am really awesome at reminding myself of my failures and how pitiful some of the events in my life have been. And then, the flood gates open up and I am totally and completely overwhelmed by tears, anger, frustration, shame and embarrassment. And I flee.

One of these fabulous episodes showed itself last night while I was at my Bible Study. Don't get me wrong, I love these girls and I know that I'm safe within the walls of their reciprocated sisterly love. But. But, I am just so...humiliated to lose it in front of them. Because I want them to look up to me. And secretly, (or not so secretly) I think I want everyone to think that I have it all together.

The truth is...I am so far from "together" that I can't even say the word out loud in the context of where I am right now. It simply will not come. I feel muted when I try to say that I'm doing well.

Except, for a while...I was! I had a great summer. I worked seldom and I loved what I did. I wish I could have spent more time with the precious kids I nannied. But, the time I had to myself was spent relaxing, resting and reflecting. I took time for myself. I did things for myself. I did things I'd never done before. I tried new things. I traveled. For the very first time in my entire life, I felt like I had the opportunity to be myself. I felt no expectations. And let me tell you--It. Was. Amazing.

I've been told that I tend to try to climb a "glass mountain". This mountain has no footholds, handholds or grips. I do not have amphibious, insect or arachnid-like qualities that allow me to scale the sides of this mountain. There is no rope long enough to loop around its peak to provide leverage. top it all off, it's covered in Vaseline (which apparently is a proper noun).

Every time I find myself in front of said mountain, I feel worthless. It's those days and nights that I fall so deeply back into the old self I'm trying to eliminate. It's those moments and hours that I allow myself to be blinded and forget momentarily everything I have learned. And it's those moments that I have to be reminded that I'm really just being ridiculous.

I think that mountain hit me yesterday. So either I'm walking with my eyes shut or it's actually a glacier and it's moving. But most likely it's the first option. And I'm really not surprised because I think I do that a lot...hypothetically, of course.

So anyway...we collided and it really sucked because I cried in front of people that I don't know well enough to cry in front of. And I feel...ashamed and embarrassed. Because now they know I'm hurting. And what if now...what if now they don't want to love me?